It is June, and I am tired of being brave.

 yeah shit

so basically since i bleached my hair 6 weeks ago i feel more mature and more myself, more confident. i'm not sure if hair is quite an important issue for me (i already wrote down my hairs history but who gives a fuck) but it certainly changes the way i see myself.

2011 was a very hard year for me, if not the worst. i self-harmed already since 2004 (11y/o) and always felt sad but i collapsed multiply times in autumn 2010 and stopped going to school, started therapy and group therapy and tried to killed myself multiply times.

a year ago i chose life. ended a bad friendship, started going to school again and fight for redoing the school year which was successful in the end, i'm glad, because for me school has always been the fundament of my future.

ugh i deleted so much in the last minutes and i still don't like what i wrote but anyway

♥ how i want to be ♥

♥ i want to stop being afraid when i leave my room
♥ i want to have a political position, this means to know what i want and being able to argument. (this doesn't mean i'm without a clue now, i'm simply very interested in politics and want to increase my knowledge)
♥ i want to be able to talk to people without being this weird i am now
♥ i want to learn to sew, sewing my own clothes; i'm very interested in fashion (ily raf) and i feel like creating something (nevertheless that it's cheaper and i don't have to search for ages or pay a lot of money to get the clothes i want)
♥ i want to be successful. in my last year of school, the year afterwards which i hopefully will spend in london, during my years as student, and as a working woman who is independent.

it's really hard to write this because it sounds ridiculous
one day i want to stop speaking german and live in paris. or london. or new york. a big, anonymous city. i don't know i don't care being free

this post is pathetic and i'm not in the mood anymore